Saturday, July 24, 2010

Just venting

This is not as happy posting, so I am warning you ahead of time.


There are times when I get down on myself about not being as organized as I have been in the past. Or get upset with myself for not doing all the projects I want to do. I see my siblings or friends homes and I want to cringe when I walk into mine. Then I have to remember that I am not playing with the same team that others play with. My team is really on the “injured reserve” roster.

Just this year, there have been so many “SNAFU”** situations with my meds, that I almost burst into tears at the very thought of any more changes. Dear Hubby has been in bed for most of the last 3 months. Dear Daughter is 16 and, where most girls at that age would be able to help with things around the house, she doesn’t/can’t. The reasons for that are many and complicated, so I won’t even go there right now.

You may not realize how tough it is to live with someone who has depression. It’s BAD and I know that. But you can walk away from them, go to another room, leave the house, and get away from it. The person who has the depression doesn’t get that option. I get to live with myself 24/7, no break, no pause, no let-up! Even sleep isn't a break.

It is really hard to hate living with yourself. How do you “not be with yourself”? Taking a break from the problems of someone else, I can work out. But how do you take a break from yourself and the weirdness that is depression? It ain’t easy!!!! In fact, it’s downright hard!!!

The best way for me to get away from me for a while is to listen to a book (on my MP3) or get involved in a movie. I can let myself fall into what I am listening to or seeing and, for that time, I can be in another place. But the movies and books always end and I’m back to myself again.

Sometimes, I can actually act “normal” for a while- maybe 20 minutes or so. I love those little glimpses into my real self. Now, I just need to get these meds evened out so that 20 minutes can stretch to an hour, then to 3 hours, then to most of a day.

It is not easy for a “normal” person to understand why someone would hurt themselves or wish for death. But after you have been in depression for a while and can’t get away from it, you have a very good understanding of the way that weird depressed mind works.

I really am in a better place than most people with depression. I do know that it can get better, so I just tell myself to exist until then. I take my medication, I don’t take on much of anything outside of helping myself “exist” and I wait. And wait. And, this year, I keep waiting.

Isn’t 7 months long enough?

Apparently it isn’t, so the surviving goes on. . .


**SNAFU = Situation Normal, All F##### Up. It is a term that came from the mid 1940’s, made most popular by the troops in WWII when they expected one thing to happen and something entirely different would happen.

2 comments:

Anonymous

I must be "totally blind" because I see the beautiful, creative, smart and spiritual woman I married. I see the twenty minutes as hours and I know the child of God inside. I love you!
Hubby

Crissie

awww...what a nice comment from the hubby. :)

I'm sorry that you have to deal with so much on a daily basis. You will get through this, just like you always do. I hope things are looking up for you.