Talking mode

If you read 2 posts ago, you know that I have been dealing with changing my medications and it hasn't been fun!

Here is an update.

Short version:  I have passed the headache of the withdrawl from med 1 and med 2 is beginning to kick in.

Longer version:  Today was the first time I have left the house to go anywhere in 3 weeks!  Panic attack for sure.   But I did it and feel so much better.  I got both shoulders, both elbows, both hips and my stomach all put in place.  BIG LONG SIGH!!!!

One way to tell that I am getting better is that I begin to talk, alot.  I mean A LOT.  I will call someone with a real purpose, but just keep going on and on.   It may be annoying to whoever has to listen, but it's a great sign of improvement.  (sorry if you are on who has had to listen to me just talk about nothing)

Now we are on to the panic at leaving the house.  That usually continues for a while, but should work itself out in the next 2-4 weeks.  I have also been able to eat WITH the family, instead of having to eat alone.  That is such an improvement over a month ago!  My hair, which gets really yucky during these times, is beginning to perk up a little--that will take over 2 months to recover-- at least.

Every so often

Many of you know that I am classified SMI because of being Bi-Polar, having panic attacks, and a few other little things thrown in to make life interesting.

Like a good girl, I take medications to help the chemicals in my brain to come to “normal” levels where I can function pretty well most of the time. With that in mind, every new year brings the possibility that the insurance’s drug formulary may change WITHOUT NOTICE. So for the last few weeks I have been getting use to a new medication to replace one that was taken off the formulary.

This process is NO FUN! Anyone who has ever been on these meds knows that it is a “trial & error” kind of thing to find the right meds and the right dosages. So while this process is taking place, you are basically a basket case! All the chemicals go out of whack pretty quick! You are trying to function in your everyday life and, all of a sudden, your brain is on the wrong track heading for an oncoming train!

It takes a lot of self-discipline to realize that the train is an illusion!

As many times as I have gone through this process, it never gets easier! I do understand the process better, but it is still tough. I understand that my perceptions will be distorted and my emotions will be all over the place. I understand that this is part of the process. I understand that there is no other way to do this (YET).

So, if someday you notice that I am not answering my phone, or not going someplace that I usually go, or not doing the hobbies I love; feel free to ask if my meds are changing!  I'll only bite off your head  ;O

You might also give TK a pat on the back!  He lives with 2 of use that go through this.  He is the most understanding and loving husband & father, even through the yucky times.

This picture is of me wearing bull horns, which fits me right now, don't you think?  These were made for me by one of my sisters.

YES, I HAVE BEEN HIDING

Definitions for this post:
Sick=the person with the biological problem.
SMI= seriously mentally ill

For the last few days, I have been hiding. I have grounded myself to my bedroom except for a few trips to the kitchen and the computer. This has been for the good of everyone living with me, including myself! The problem has been that I am out of some medications I take. This is because of a series of comical errors on the part of me and the doctor’s office since September!! I won’t go into the errors! I confess that I am classified SMI and have been since I was very young.

Usually this isn’t a problem! I always take my meds, I watch for signs of problems and act on them quickly, and I have a crisis plan in place that I use at times like these. Having dealt with this “horrible monster” for a long time, I have come to some conclusions.


1-The “sick” one has a serious responsibility to do everything possible to stay healthy!!!!! *****!!!!!

2-The “sick” one has to figure out what “healthy” means to them and those they live and work with.

3-NEVER, NEVER make any kind of decisions while you are not “healthy”!

4- SIT DOWN FACING THE DIRECTION YOU WANT TO GO and STAY there until the crisis has passed. This means that you need to keep your eye on your long-term goals even when things are really, really bad. I believe that you have no chance of actually reaching those goals if you take your eye off of them when things are difficult.

5- Have faith in God. Then have more faith!

I have a theme song that I pull out at times like these. If you read the words and apply them to what goes on INSIDE of someone, you will get a small glimpse of what these times can be like. And why I hide out during times like this. It comes from the Hymnal used by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Master, The Tempest Is Raging

Master, the tempest is raging!

The billows are tossing high!

The sky is o’ershadowed with blackness.

No shelter or help is nigh.

Carest thou not that we perish?

How canst thou lie asleep

When each moment so madly is threat’ning

A grave in the angry deep?
*
Master, with anguish of spirit

I bow in my grief today.

The depths of my sad heart are troubled.

Oh, waken and save, I pray!

Torrents of sin and of anguish

Sweep o’er my sinking soul,

And I perish! I perish! dear Master.

Oh, hasten and take control!
*
[Chorus]

The winds and the waves shall obey thy will:

Peace, be still.

Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea

Or demons or men or whatever it be,

No waters can swallow the ship where lies

The Master of ocean and earth and skies.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, be still; peace, be still.

They all shall sweetly obey thy will:

Peace, peace, be still.
*
Master, the terror is over.

The elements sweetly rest.

Earth’s sun in the calm lake is mirrored,

And heaven’s within my breast.

Linger, O blessed Redeemer!

Leave me alone no more,

And with joy I shall make the blest harbor

And rest on the blissful shore.

Hymns of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, no. 105

I never know how long it will take to get to “that blissful shore”, but I do know it is there. That’s a great deal more than some people know!